Losing Grip

It is not the most pleasant feeling watching someone else get what you want. The pain used to set in deep but now it just gets brushed away as I have learned there is a lesson behind every life experience. We are always encouraged to keep dreaming, encouraged to set and complete our goals, and encouraged to just keep on reaching for those big and small dreams. Noone ever tells you what do when those big and small dreams do not mix. Blessed I am to be living a diverse lifestyle, embracing two cultures 50/50. It is the best of both worlds; a life experience that teaches a lot and provides the strongest morals and values a person can feel. When I think of Punjabi I think of vibrant colours, the beat of the dhol, the bittersweet tastes, the language like a sound of music, and the prayers go straight to the soul. When i think of Canadian, unlimited opportunities come to mind, I think of freedom, love, material things and value, academics, communication, and friends. Although two cultures make daily lives intriguing, it can be a struggle that elicits a lot of emotional pain.
No two things are the same, they can be relatively a like but they are not the same. I can be praised for something so wonderful in one culture but deemed socially deviant in the other. Some times the mainstream does not appreciate difference and in other cases it sometimes embraces difference. Its hard to brush your shoulders off when there are so much expectations lying on you. Progressing into different life stages should make you feel like one chapter is closings and another chapter is opening. Completing my academics and being one step closer to my dream job feels so good. Reminds me of how I was encouraged to dream, I set those goals, completed, and reached and now I have made the dream come true not only for myself but the people who love me. How come I feel like I am at a dead end road rather than a new chapter full of possiblities? For some reason I feel like I can't embrace two worlds anymore, that i have to choose one. Pros and cons to both of them. The fear of failure is kicking in stronger than ever and the urge to just lose grip of everything is almost at full force. The word marriage and any association of me being at a stage in life where I should be marrying makes my heart bleed every day. The anxiety is building up, do I want to give up on the love that crosses my path because of colour and continue to be alone dreaming of love i've never seen before and one that may not ideally happen the way I dream of it being? What if I get there and nothing is remotely close to what I dreamed? Even though we call ourselves open minded living in a society of freedom and embracing multiculturalism, inside the private space its a different story....way too much bias. Maybe there is no such thing as value free.

One comment

We all have our days. Good days, bad days, relatively pleasant days with only minor obstacles. No matter what kind of day I have at the end of it I always remember a positive comment that I may have gotten that day. Its amazing how the sweet words of a complete stranger, acquaintance, or someone so dear to you will stick to your heart. For instance today, my professor whom I did not think would notice me in a room full of several students went out of her way to tell me how impressed she was by a presentation that I conducted last week. It feels good to know that my hard work paid off and knowing that exactly a week later my professor is still thinking about my work. It's not my accomplishment that touches me, it's hearing that comment that makes me feel good. Whether you are telling someone you are proud of them, or telling them how great they are, or even saying that they are wearing a nice sweater, each comment goes along way. Personally I feel compliments are the best way to boost a self-esteem. One comment may or may not change someones day, but either way that comment will stick with them in some way; a way that will make them feel good. That is postive comments I am referring too, if you have a negative comment keep it to yourself, being a critic or a bully does not make you a better person in anyway.