Losing Grip

It is not the most pleasant feeling watching someone else get what you want. The pain used to set in deep but now it just gets brushed away as I have learned there is a lesson behind every life experience. We are always encouraged to keep dreaming, encouraged to set and complete our goals, and encouraged to just keep on reaching for those big and small dreams. Noone ever tells you what do when those big and small dreams do not mix. Blessed I am to be living a diverse lifestyle, embracing two cultures 50/50. It is the best of both worlds; a life experience that teaches a lot and provides the strongest morals and values a person can feel. When I think of Punjabi I think of vibrant colours, the beat of the dhol, the bittersweet tastes, the language like a sound of music, and the prayers go straight to the soul. When i think of Canadian, unlimited opportunities come to mind, I think of freedom, love, material things and value, academics, communication, and friends. Although two cultures make daily lives intriguing, it can be a struggle that elicits a lot of emotional pain.
No two things are the same, they can be relatively a like but they are not the same. I can be praised for something so wonderful in one culture but deemed socially deviant in the other. Some times the mainstream does not appreciate difference and in other cases it sometimes embraces difference. Its hard to brush your shoulders off when there are so much expectations lying on you. Progressing into different life stages should make you feel like one chapter is closings and another chapter is opening. Completing my academics and being one step closer to my dream job feels so good. Reminds me of how I was encouraged to dream, I set those goals, completed, and reached and now I have made the dream come true not only for myself but the people who love me. How come I feel like I am at a dead end road rather than a new chapter full of possiblities? For some reason I feel like I can't embrace two worlds anymore, that i have to choose one. Pros and cons to both of them. The fear of failure is kicking in stronger than ever and the urge to just lose grip of everything is almost at full force. The word marriage and any association of me being at a stage in life where I should be marrying makes my heart bleed every day. The anxiety is building up, do I want to give up on the love that crosses my path because of colour and continue to be alone dreaming of love i've never seen before and one that may not ideally happen the way I dream of it being? What if I get there and nothing is remotely close to what I dreamed? Even though we call ourselves open minded living in a society of freedom and embracing multiculturalism, inside the private space its a different story....way too much bias. Maybe there is no such thing as value free.

One comment

We all have our days. Good days, bad days, relatively pleasant days with only minor obstacles. No matter what kind of day I have at the end of it I always remember a positive comment that I may have gotten that day. Its amazing how the sweet words of a complete stranger, acquaintance, or someone so dear to you will stick to your heart. For instance today, my professor whom I did not think would notice me in a room full of several students went out of her way to tell me how impressed she was by a presentation that I conducted last week. It feels good to know that my hard work paid off and knowing that exactly a week later my professor is still thinking about my work. It's not my accomplishment that touches me, it's hearing that comment that makes me feel good. Whether you are telling someone you are proud of them, or telling them how great they are, or even saying that they are wearing a nice sweater, each comment goes along way. Personally I feel compliments are the best way to boost a self-esteem. One comment may or may not change someones day, but either way that comment will stick with them in some way; a way that will make them feel good. That is postive comments I am referring too, if you have a negative comment keep it to yourself, being a critic or a bully does not make you a better person in anyway.

Friends do friends a favour.

Communication is the key to a good friendship. Being able to share anything and everything about your life with a certain individual or a group of individuals is almost like a much needed staple in life. Unfortunately, from what I have seen and from what I hear.. friends grow apart. Everyone grows up and will do everything in their power to aspire to their fullest potential. We have to self-actualize our dreams and sometimes that means leaving your friends for a substantial period of time. My friends and I have done this, we divided so that we could each attend the post-secondary institution that will help us establish a career that best interests us. Now as many of us have graduated or are nearing graduation, we are dividing even more. Many of us have to relocate for a job and even for love. Most have to build a new home for themselves. It saddens me that we cannot be in close proximity like we used to be, but I understand this is just a part of growing up. Your true friends shine in the end. Distance is the poorest excuse to cut ties with the people you care about. There are ways that we can still remain best of friends through all the life changes now matter how far apart we are. Change is happening gradually. Miles and miles are between us, we are progressing into different stages of life, and sometimes communication is minimal, but I assure you everyday I will be thinking of each of my friends. As I grow older I realize how friends are a important ingredient to life. Things cannot always be perfect, just because you are friends does not mean you are the same person with the same feelings and with similar intentions. Fights are bound to happen.I have been upset at many of my friends for many different reasons and my friends have been upset with me. It is normal! If you are really good friends then the flaws will pass and you will work it out.
What I wish is that next time you are irritated/upset with a friend, that you reevaluate the reasons why you feel this way before act upon them. Is it worth being mad? Think of all the good that has occurred due to your friendship rather than focusing on the bad. Especially if the bad does not happen often.
The silent treatment is not the best way to cut ties if you feel its necessary to break a friendship. At this age its immature; along the way you are losing a really good friend who is most likely just waiting for you to get over it. Friends do each other favours, as far as I know I did a substantial amount of favours. My heart aches everyday because she disguises all the good with one thing that went wrong. After being called an awful name for no good reason, I am still standing strong willing to forgive and forget. People forgive more than they forget.
Like I said your true friends shine in the end. I'm not going to waste my time on the dullest ones.I have bright friends full of energy & love who I know are the best ones that I want to keep around forever. The one favour I ask of my friends is..... that you think of all the good before you hold a grudge and communicate the issue you have with me so we can work it out effectively.

Procrastination

Last night when I entered the world of blogs I wrote some very profound things about my life but then I felt they were to personal so I deleted my work. I had many ideas of what I wanted to illustrate in my first blog. If there was an award for the most successful procrastinator, I would be the recipient without a doubt. I set up my blog account as another method for procrastinating the presentation I should be working on for my visual culture class and I should have been studying for two upcoming midterms....oh well at least I got a blog! Many thoughts and emotions have been crossing my mind lately, I feel as though I learned many valuable facts of life throughout my lived experiences and observations over the past year. I always thought about putting those thoughts in written form, with the hope that one day I can turn back to them and see what my feelings, issues, and concerns have progressed into. Often I did document them but other times I didn't when i really should have. I recall sitting at my computer and having many deep thoughts go threw my mind as I set up this blog account. Thoughts that I think were an excellent topic to elaborate on within my first blog. However, I procrastinated writing about them. I told myself I would do it later... perhaps tomorrow which would then be today. So, here I am now ready to write but because I procrastinated writing a blog when my mind was wrapped around intense notions I now forget the depth of what I initially want to express in my first blog. Eventually, it will come to me. I will have some intriguing insights and share many personal stories as I ride a very emotional rollercoaster. It's times like this where I wish I had never gotten into the habit of procrastinating.