Hate when people leave.

Waking up on the verge of tears is never a good feeling. Sometimes I wonder why i'm always at war with myself constantly struggling to rid this emptiness. Anticipating a good birthday were the only intentions i have had. It has been a good birthday, my family could not have been more warm than they were today wishing me the best.Ttaking the time to enjoy the beautiful weather makes me think there is nothing more I could ask for. Completing undergrad and soon beginning a new direction with a grad program, beautiful weather upon us, and with a busy summer with many festitivities planned with friends and family I should be overwhelmed with joy right now, and everyday I am but today I am not. I don't get it. Instead I wake up with this emptiness, i can't find what is triggering these supressed feelings. Just like Elizabeth Gilbert in the bathroom sobbing endlessly. Theres this voice inside of me telling me to stop the tears and the hurt feelings conquering my heart but today I can't. Simple things like putting on make-up was a struggle as it just became flawed from the tears that I tried to so hard to pull back. I took the time to get out in the sun and enjoy the weather I have been longing for, once I did and realized how ridiculous this rollercoaster of emotions is I finally felt at ease. This war that i am at with myself has to do with the overwhelming fear of being alone. Im reminded of that time when i was thirteen and everyone that was so dear to me just got up and left, their lives took at turn for the worst with no turning back. Yet I look back and see how things got better for me personally. Why do I feel like I am going to loose everything I have accomplished? Over the past decade i dealt very well with drastic changes because negative persons and attitudes in my enviroment were elevated. Now at 23 I should feel a sense of self and instead im starting to feel a sense of loss. This time not so much over dramatic chaos but more because of new stages in life where I feel people are leaving me behind. I hate the feeling of emptiness, it doesnt have to be about birthdays and celebrating a birthday it has to do with the loss of unity that I have been starting to feel lately as time progress. I just hate when people leave.whats the point of making a mark on someone's life and then slowly stepping out of it as if it? it doesnt have to be this way. I just dont want people to leave, there is no fear in losing youthfulness, instead there is fear of losing agency. I feel like im planted in one spot and everyone else around me is excellerating forward. Simple things dont happen anymore, no messages after a while of silence, no birthday calls, cards or wishes after a long distance the way there used to be, no more stopping by. If growing older and growing up means growing apart then birthdays just arent going to be as happy as they used to be. It feels good to let out a hard cry, but I wish today did not have to be that day. Forever is more than just words to me.